Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.

   never knew they mined for chili. You learn something new every day.

   I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

   A pack of weed- 30 bucks, rollin paper 2 bucks, n the joy after smoking it priceless

   When the world gives you lemons, make orange juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

   Have 33 men you need pulled out of a deep, dark hole? Call Kim Kardashian's gynecologist.

   You have to feel sorry for the Mother's of the Chilean miners. The waiting, the pain, seeing their kids come out slowly from a small dark hole. It's like child birth all over again

   Ya win some, ya loose some.. But nothing is better than getting some!

   real soon i'll need a better excuse than "sorry i'm trapped in the chilean mines right now"...

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   every woman's pet and every man's regret.

   I am Captain Organised..Unlike Batman Superman and Spiderman my underpants are on the inside..

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   Think I got my Halloween costume.... SNOOKIE! I'll wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body Umpa Loompa Orange, walk around half naked, drunk and screaming "Do you know who I am?!? I'm Snookie Biotch!"

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.