Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   look all he said was is "im hungry" and generously responded "well, I have something for you to eat".

   I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

   Hey I'm an equal opprotunist. I love blondes, brunettes, redheads, tall ones, short ones, cousins, adopted cousins...

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?

   The unemployment numbers are twice as bad if you count people who describe themselves as "bloggers."

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   Life before the computer punchline(see above 3): And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you hoped nobody found out.

   Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.

   Why is it that I have to recite the entire alphabet to remember where one letter is?

   A bad Walmart greeting just ruins the whole experience.

   screw the dog...a kitty is a mans best friend!

   Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A

   I wish I was as popular 20yrs ago in HS the way I am now on Facebook!

   I found a case of Natty Light on the floor of a random aisle in the grocery store. After I returned it to the coolers, I felt like I did my good deed for the day.

   my voices started talking spanish and right in the middle of a sentence then changed to russian....what do you think that means? I dont understand any thing but English. I'm starting to think they are planning a War against me

   Without the proper bra support, I run like Tyrannosaurus Rex.