Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accidently jerked himself off at church today

   This is who I am , good points and faults . Take it or leave it and i`m not going to worry what you think about me , accept me or delete me , your choice

   supports the "Obama Is Too Damn High Party"!!!

   homework: this is your last warning, if you keep coming here I'm filing a restraint order

   Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to midget."

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy..........

   so really..what was Meatloaf talking about when he sang he'll do anything for love, but he wont do that?

   Yo Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Lil Jon has one of the best grills of all time. One of the best grills of all time!

   Did anyone notice something about Kanye West this week? Yeah, the fool replaced his bottom teeth with diamonds. DIAMONDS. So instead of a loud-mouth retard, he's a loud-mouth retard that sparkles.

   If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!

   Great....you discovered youtube. Now, can you quit flooding the newsfeed with the 200 videos you wish to share!!!

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   I'm sorry Baby, that's gravity. I can't help it that I'm physically attracted to you

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   You know its trouble when your farts pass warm....

   It's amazing how you can smell so bad, an still be alive.. .

   a supporter of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party"!

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.