Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   Mosquito's and women are alike, except a mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it....

   I get my energy from my inner-G

   every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..

   trying to type correctly but lack of sleep and too much wine don't help

   use to be a dime or quarter..but now here's $50..buy a prepaid cell phone and call someone who cares

   On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?

   A girls r like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   they guy from Sister Wives just married his 4th wife. WTH is this guy thinking?!?!?

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....

   I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......

   I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween, stood next to the Easter Bunny, and handed out eggs......

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.