Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to all the forwards I received and never re-forwarded since I've been on the net, I will die 238 times and will have bad luck for 896 years

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   The fastest way to stop "terrorism" is to stop screwing around with other peoples countries.

   c[_] <- this a cup of HTFU. drink it and get on with it

   between the soccer team that crashed in the Andes and those 33 miners, Chile has a very good record of disasters with happy endings...

   I accidentally spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone :)

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Laying on my TV watching the couch. I needed to switch things up a bit.

   There are two types of people in the world - those who have had Dinty Moore's Beef Stew and those who have not.

   In honor of Christine O'Donnell, I am designating November as Lack of Awareness Awareness Month.

   BREAKING: "Hey, Where Is Everybody?" Says Chilean Miner No. 34

   Some kids were dropped as a baby ... you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, hitting the wall, and tossed out the window..

   If you "think" you caught me scratching my nuts, you just missed it when I said "I don't give a f*** who sees me"

   The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!

   You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

   a fart is merely the cry of an imprisoned turd

   <Rages against the vending machine

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   Nothing worse then the awkward stance when you're being sung happy birthday to.