Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my ice at room temperature.

   I was so depressed last night and called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck….

   SEX is not the answer!! Sex IS the question... 'Yes' is the answer! :)

   Wonders how much I will go for on ebay. Let the bidding begin!!!

   “A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.”

   Hot girls always have their statuses "like"d by dozens of people no matter how stupid the statuses may be.

   I have renamed the Victoria's Secret Wonder Bra to the Victoria's Secret Wendy's Bra, because I know when it's real.

   I live the same way as I type... fast and with lots of mistakes

   singing to the dark through open eyes

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   ^v--^v--^v----------------^v--^v woah for a second there I was bored to death

   i have nothing against god, it's just his fan club that i'm against

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers...

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat... ><(((((%>

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"

   A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

   wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   thinks that physical abilty doesn't compensate for mental incompetence....

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....