Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stay warm people. It's "R. Kelly" cool out there…and by that I mean "in the teens."

   Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.

   If drinking destroys your memory, what does drinking do?

   shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.

   types a hundred words a minute, but it's in my own language.

   so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?

   has a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed. Goodnight.

   I'm not pefect.. but gezzz....Have you seen my competition?

   a Jerkwagon... sorry folks, it's true.......

   the inventer of the "High Five"!!! - (you're welcome)

   "You are probably a 30-year old drunk dude with nothing better to do than play video games" - An incredibly correct kid on Xbox Live

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   in desperate need of a padded room and a Thorazine drip..

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

   just googled "MAMBY PAMBY LAND" and I'll be damned.... It took me HERE!!!

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   single women are like dog turds the older they get the easy they are to pick up

   thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.

   Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.