Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"

   People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.

   Trick or treat? I say why not be naughty and have both!

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Love how you keep me warm and make me feel safe. Never a scornfull word or negative comment. Always pick me up when I am feeling down. You smell good all the time and are steaming with pleasure.......Coffee, I think I love you........

   Men...it's not their fault. You can't give someone two heads and expect them to think straight.

   I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.

   Feels like tap dancing on someone's face with golf shoes on..

   In new tape, Bin Laden 'furious' that Brian Wilson has scarier beard.....

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger or a baby

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   will just have to find another McDonalds to frequent...... I am sooooo tired of management throwing me out of the ball pit..........