Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is Darth Vader called "Darth Vader"? Because "Master Vader" just sounds wrong.

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   MONDAYS ARE FOR MASOCHISTS. It's bleak and raining and there's not one dang cookie in the house.

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I had a recurring dream once !

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Well at least he was voted most popular kid in high school that rode the short bus because he could buy beer legally without needing a fake ID.

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Suicide hotline, please hold....

   Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   I used to care but now I take a pill for that...

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

   I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics

   Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...

   I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.

   enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?

   ...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!