Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

   thinks the incest rate across America must drop so much on nights like these ... You know, when they're all watching the Country Music Awards instead!

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   Zombie hunting, It't not just a sport, its survival!

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.

   i just found out that turning off all the lights in my house and pretending I'm blind does nothing for my boredom,so then I tried playing pictionary with my dog and cat but they're so STUPID!!

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   I can't stand it when someone use's an apostrophe "s" to make a word plural. It drive's me nut's!

   Feeling a little horny today. I think my check-engine light is ON.

   My catholic priest molested your honor roll student.