Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if its possible to actually get a girl's number when you say "what yo name is girl, what yo name is" Either I'm gonna get slapped or we could go cash our welfare checks together.

   After several years I finaly saw the whole picture ... Damn you A.J. and Nick, you ruined the growing potential of the Backstreet Boys !! :p

   - Awesome high speed chase on FoxNews ending with the guy ramming the back of a tanker truck carrying Orange Juice. Anyone else find it ironic that O.J. actually STOPPED a high speed chase????

   a little upset about this potential ban on four loko. Aren't they aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

   Don't hate me because I'm beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

   Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted somebody's fingers to break so badly.

   A reporter asked Philadelphia Eagles QB Micheal Vick what the biggest difference is between prison and the NFL. He replied, "In the NFL, I only have 11 guys I have to run away from that's trying to get my ass."

   If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you first

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   Booked into a hotel and as a man of God I said "Right young man, I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist said "No, it's just normal porn you sick f*ck."

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   Jimmy Kimmel has declared today "National UnFriend Day." Don't forget to UnFriend some non-friends today. Then tell your real friends how much you appreciate them!

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   TSA Pat Downs. Stealing the Mile High Club's thunder since 2010.

   When someone asks you if these jeans make their butt look big...apparently "I don't know let me jog around back there and take a look" is the response you should give if you want things thrown at your head...

   Thank goodness my Internet is working again. I don't have all your mailing addresses.

   Why when I pump $20 worth of gas when I get to the 19th dollars it goes into retard mode and take 10 mintues for the last dollar

   I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.