Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   ..... cute, funny, and irresistable... enough about me,tell me about you?

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"

   A man's bathroom is his fortress of solitude and the toilet is his throne.

   I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..."

   Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.

   I am afraid that the only way to motivate me to do something, is to absolutely forbid me from doing whatever it is you wish to have done. I refer to this as the big red shiny button theorem.

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I didnt forget, I just didnt remember.

   I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.

   I'm long, and I'm strong. And I'm down to get the friction on.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents. :)

   Everyday is like Thanksgiving for me... people always give me "The Bird" and tell me to "Stuff It!"

   love the smell of cap gun smoke in the morning.

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   you ever drink so much when your sitting on the coach and you start looking for a seatbelt.

   Please hold while I put on my "Gosh I really care" face.

   already on the naughty list. Santa... I can explain.

   BREAKING NEWS: After realizing just how invasive the TSA screeners have become, the White House has ordered that they will no longer be managed by Homeland Security. Instead, they've been given to the IRS.