Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having a "foodgasm".

   Deja F*** U! to the guy who keeps posting those things.

   just woke from a 2.5 hour tryptophan-induced coma.

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   has finish with the Wild Turkey on the rocks for lunch, and moved on to Grey Goose straight up for Thanksgiving Dinner. this is just Fowl

   Just think, had the Indians given the Pigrim's a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ASS today instead of some damn bird!

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   you can post the Ten Commandments in the courthouse, if you let us post the statutes regarding child molestation in your church

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Thanksgiving: The only day where it's American to stuff your face and be proud of it!

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   Was just informed that Turkeys cant fly. Thats messed up! All those times hunting and I was looking up!!