Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   If they can come out with an app that can do your homework 4 you I swear...

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   Acquaintance: a person I know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

   WHOOOAAA!!! I smell the strong stench of "MONDAY" brewing!!

   Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   My anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun

   whoever dies with the most friends on facebook wins

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   A women's work is never done.especially is she asksk her husband to do it

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   I think I'm just gonna start hittin' on Facebook friends that I can't remember why were friends. This way I dont have to defriend them.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   girlfriends don't cry.... thats just blackmail