Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saying over the store microphone "Attention all shoppers, we're having an 85% off toy sale in the tire and lube area" sure opens the check out lines fast.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.

   Black Friday is America's version of Running with the Bulls!

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   I can always tell how much I really like a girl by how long it takes me to delete her text messages.

   The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.

   Proposed her indirectly,but she rejected directly!!!!

   Where were all the Kwanzaa ads for Black Friday?

   Everybody that asks me to go shopping today gets a big "HELL NO!"

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   Black Friday? That's ones of those Ice Cube movies right?

   now that you spent all your money on Black Friday Now what?

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   "Hello, pain. I realize we have business, you and I, but don't get comfortable, because you're not staying."

   When I grow up, I wanna be those guys that wipe the sweat off the basketball courts

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook...

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   When your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day