Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.

   If you can have sex faster then the speed of sound is it possible to have sex with a women before she can respond with a yes or no answer ?

   Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from girls were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth? Your worst enemies were your siblings. the onl

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   I like to drink red and blue poweraide so I can feel like I'm drinking health and mana potions

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

   I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

   I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.

   This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

   You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

   I am pretty sure that J.Lo plus butter equals Snookie

   Im not tryin to start no controversy but wouldn't some pizza combos and a cream soda hit the spot right now?

   looking back those D.A.R.E classes were really a waste of time

   I dont do Drugs, I am Drugs

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.