Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thanks Obama......my advent calendar has pictures of Repo-Men, foreclosure notices and disconnect notices.

   nicotine patches are great !! stick one of each eye and you cant find your cigarettes..

   Today's secret word is Bieber. Everytime someone says it, punch them with authority.

   The X Factor is on tonight! I can't wait..... To go out to the pub

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   as confused as Ray Charles with a Where's Waldo book

   Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Just had a train run over his feet, probably his own fault for wearing platforms.

   going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.

   my driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road....You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.

   doesn't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

   just kicked out of the local paintball fight and the police were called.....Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

   suffering from Dyslexia : Putting the cool in shcool.

   So I guess changing my profile picture to Herbert from Family Guy wouldn't be appropriate this week.

   What do you call a bra in Russian? Stoppenzefloppin

   Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....

   I hate when people tell you their life story against your will. I think it's a form of low level rape.

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   Honk, if you want to see my finger!