Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And the Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and receive eternal life..." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   says Happy Christmas to all Canadians and Marry Hanukkah to my fellow Americans.

   Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"

   Ladies if you wanna get yo man a tie this Christmas thats fine...Just make sure you are wearing tie with nothing else on when you give it too him...

   Don't you just hate when people put things in their status that you really didn't wanna know? I hate that. Anyways, I gotta go poop

   Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

   finding the Christmas spirit, now if only I can find someone who is in the giving mood to pay

   Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release.

   setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...

   I'd don't cheat...I merely adjust the rules to my advantage as the game is being played.

   If I had it my way my ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would be Raquel Welch, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.

   ✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.

   Notice: Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noticing this notice has been noticed.

   If I haven't seen you naked enter your name below so we can sort this problem out :P