Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am doing a hook rug of Bart Simpson. I REFUSE to use black and yellow. (Pittsburgh SUCKS!) Instead I am using Brown and Orange. (Die hard BROWNS fan!) Bart is ending up looking like Snookie.

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   My 2010 in review: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

   Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

   Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

   There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

   it legal yet to kill ex-husbands?? If not, vote for me next election, and I'll make that piece of legislation my first order of business.

   Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   Some women are terribly hard to please... the rest are impossible!

   The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?