Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.

   Whenever I see you, I remember the song "Just the way you are" and the movie "2012". When I see your face… it's the end of the world.

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

   For once I would like to bring sexy back....from the bar.

   Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   If you start your day on a positive note, more than likely it will end in harmony..

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   suffering from the Hawaiian Disease....Laka Nooki

   Hitler hated juice. Not Jews. Pronounciation causes mass homocides.

   If 2012 does begin to happen we'll just have Kanye interrupt it.

   I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   Mubarak is like one of those guys at the end of the party. However many hints you give him, he just won't leave.....

   just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign

   Dear Governments, when people lose everything they have then they have nothing to lose.. thats how they LOSE IT!

   Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, “Man, did you see the size of that bug?”