Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on her marriage and the Queen said "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   Men in 20's play football, men in 30's play cricket and men in their 40's play Golf. Have you noticed the older the men the smaller the balls?

   All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you have the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.

   How awesome would it be to buy a universal remote and stand outside your neighbors window and change the channel when they are watching soaps??

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier,I was was so pissed of....Though to be fair it was my owne fault for leaving them on.

   What comes after 3D, scratch and sniff?

   Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

   Chicks dig it when I stretch out before showing off my dart skills.

   Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.

   My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7

   Looks like the forecast for the week is scattered school days.

   Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard