Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   The two post down proves it. No matter how absurd it is, if Trump said it, the sheep will say it's right. At least I finally know the truth.

   Perk of being ugly: Your phone battery lasts longer.

   A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"

   As a kid, I laughed when my Dad told me to never trust a fart. Well, I'm not laughing now...

   A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.

   Nothing hotter than a bow-legged woman in spandex.

   I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   I went to see a child psychologist the other day... But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

   Tis the season to be freezin.

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   I've just been promoted at my job as a bike mechanic. I'm now the spokesperson.

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils