Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

   if they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

   It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.

   Well, if you learn from your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.

   of course "Need you now" won for song of the year, is the best booty call song of all times!

   Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.

   in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.

   Just once I'd like a bride to walk down the aisle to "The Imperial March" in place of "Here Comes the Bride".

   finally came out of the closet and told my family I'm white. It took a lot of courage on my part, but I felt it was time they understood why I can't jump or dance.

   I wish the camera would add ten pounds to my bank account

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Whoa, this weather is bringing out everything.. Theirs some old people out driving right now and don't even know it..

   PLEASE NOTE... Facebook has changed its News Feed, so that by default, you can only see updates from people you've recently interacted with! To change this, click on the arrow next to 'Most Recent', then 'Edit Options', and check the box to receive updat

   I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers!