Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a 100,000 trip for my birthday.

   I do understand the proper usage of they're / their and there's / theirs.  I just intentionally misuse them to drive you A-types nuts!

   My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining that the cops pull you over for no reason.

   The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.

   Her legs are like the waffle house.. Open 24/7 but people only eat there when they're drunk

   She goes down faster than power windows

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.

   Would it kill you to just get this right for once? There, Their, They're - There is a place, Their is something that belongs to them, They're is short for They Are

   Banana peel. Coffee grains. Pizza crust. Beer bottles. Empty cans. Paper plates. Bill envelopes. Don't mind me everyone. I'm just talking trash...

   My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...

   She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..

   The worst place to be in the world is that place where you are not exactly sure of where you stand in someone's life and what you mean to them.

   Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Why is it when you get chineses takeout they give you 147 packs of duck sauce but you damn near gotta beg for 3 soy sauce packs......80% of your menu needs soy sauce..even the duck platter

   How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?