Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Although preseason football is like non-alcoholic beer, it feels like the lockout added 10% of alcohol content

   If in our righteous endeavors to protect and keep what we love and value, we attack and demoralize those whom peacefully choose a different path, do we become no less than the entity that we are standing against?

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   Every day I change my birthday on Facebook to THAT day just for all the attention.

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???

   I've just seen the new rise of the planet of the apes trailer! it's funny how it's very similar to the London riots! Most expensive publicity stunt ever

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Controversy in Tibet... they are naming the first black Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lamar.

   Watching Obama's press conference.... so far all I've gotten out of it is that gay soldiers are going to win the future in electric cars.

   I wonder if I ask too many hypothetical questions?

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   Have you ever noticed that all of the hot girl's profiles on facebook are private and all of the ugly girl's profiles on facebook are public?

   If more females would sit down and be ladies more males would stand up and be gentleman.

   Life was so much easier when girls had cooties!