Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   B*tch please! You've have had more relationships than my great-grandfather has had birthdays.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Some people say saying 'I'm sorry' is a sign of weakness, I think saying 'I'm sorry' takes alot of strength...

   I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.

   I can act my age just fine, until you say something like "penal code".

   Of course someone else packed my bags for me. What am I a peasant?

   my sleep number is 80 proof

   roses are red, violets are blue, yadda yadda yadda, can we have sex now?

   Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean?? Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go" Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check.Cop then sends me a picture of handcuffs.You win !!

   haha to the mosquito's who just bit me, enjoy the hangover tomorrow. haha

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   B*I*T*C*H - Babe In Total Control of Herself

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up