Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

   Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

   Her: You don't make me cum. Me: You don't make me cum either. It's the sick, twisted thoughts in my head that make me cum. You're just the receptacle I shoot it into.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..

   I've done the calculations. So far this year I've saved just short of $3600 from not having to buy Movie theatre Popcorn. I hope they don't have to raise the prices in 2021.

   Choked eating peach cobbler today, nipples got hard. Worried about myself.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant