Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys you already got your pu$$y, so if your woman wants a cat, dont stand in her way.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.

   July 4th is the perfect day to get rid of your spouse.....with the fireworks bangs..no one will hear a couple of shots:)

   We're independent but we DEPEND on other countries' resources and goods...Like China and England..Can you Contradiction.

   Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   The most disappointing conclusion you'll ever come to is finding out who you really are.

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....

   When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me!", you're supposed to reply, "I sure as hell hope not.. isn't that the whole point?"

   There has to come a point in my life where I'm standing on a hillside, watching a village I ravaged burn to the ground, laughing maniacally.

   Rule #24: If you lie, don't get mad when you are called a liar!

   On our Birthday! America as a Nation needs desperately to realize that if we do not again regain the lead in Technology and Education, we will continue to bury our heads in the sands of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan!!!

   “I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but… it is 4th of July and I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

   At a vegan 4th of July barbecue. These sadness burgers are delicious.