Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling so old, the only thing I'm exercising is caution.

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   Thanks Iron Chef America. Ever since hot dogs were the secret ingredient my husband thinks he's Bobby effing Flay…

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   After a week in Miami, I realize it's not the heat, it's the stupidity…

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share

   German tampons should be called twatstikas.

   My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I Was with her sister Emma!!

   Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and a gay Chinese guy jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.

   We don't have to go to church - lets stay in bed and have our own religious experience.

   No woman can ever be into you, unless with a strap-on.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now