Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys can make all your Manti jokes, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that somebody who never existed is dead.

   I'm up to 374 online girlfriends!!

   how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   i always said "im so hungry I could eat a horse" but I think i'll pass

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   And the Oscar goes to.....Manti TE'O

   Manti Te'o watches Clint Eastwood speaking to an empty chair *nods approvingly*

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

   Being Black At Disney Land... Mickeys been following me around the whole park. Relax, I'm not going to steal your happiness, Mouse.

   Te'o hasn't been missing tackles, just hugging his girlfriend...

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   So if a tree falls down in the forest...does Manti Teo believe Junior Seau is dead

   10 black guys said hi to me today. all I wanted was 1 white guy

   "Deep Inpact" is a fictional movie about our government reacting to an enormous problem buy trying to destroy it from existance thus resulting in creating two separate problems, 1 huge and 1 big. Sounds like reality to me.

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My "check engine" light came on while driving this morning, I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

   Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet