Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

   I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

   why the s hitty, blurry picture? Take another one! It's not like it took 3 days to get them developed...

   Just once I wish my iPhone would interfere with the airplane's navigation equipment and we would land in California instead of Detroit....

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Every time I see birds walking I'm like "YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING" and then I run them over.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Every time I cough, the dog thinks I'm barking at him.

   If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

   One look at Megan Fox, and you know God is a man

   Don't ask me to respect your religion when you can't give me the same respect for not believing in yours.

   I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.

   I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ

   I just walked up to a guuy with an eye patch and asked him was it really fun and games at that point