Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.

   Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.

   This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   Dont say you miss her when youre the reason why she left ...#TeamNoGoingDownTown

   Sometimes You have to realize that ......( some people can stay in your HEART without being in your LIFE ) ......

   Wait now. It's OK to show g a why couples kissing but not a beautiful woman. That's BS!

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .

   I can't believe you brought to this restaurant that doesn't have any liquor. What am I suppose to eat!?

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   The guy at the carwash just handed me a coupon for a "Free Wax Job"... Things sure backfired after I told him I'd like a Brazilian.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   Kim Jong Un should fire whoever came up with this years North Korea tourism advertising idea.

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.