Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   If you are getting it for free, you have no right to complain about the quality.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   My neighbours are listening to some awesome music today.... I hope they don't tell me to turn it down!!

   I don't always listen to progressive rock. But when I do, so do the neighbors!

   Log off facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking purposes.

   Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.

   I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.

   Don’t fear the gods, fear the reality that created them.

   Still waiting to be told I've been being punk'd all these years.

   It's a good thing Whoopi Goldberg can use one of her dreads as a tampon if she ever runs out.

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   If you smile in shopping centre and you have teeth, everyone will think you're crazy.

   Bigamy: Alternate wifestyles

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   I just invented a birth control pill for men. I figure it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

   WOW: term used by women when they are amazed that one person can be so stupid!!!

   Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts