Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids are Half-British and Half-Southern......... I pray for their teeth everyday.

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet.

   Why the hell did you delete the celebrities getting more than soldiers you piece of sh*t?

   Today is national tinfoil hat day. Ok, it's not really, but I don't want to be the only one wearing one.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...

   But if he's had a vasectomy how do you trap him into marriage? *asking for a friend*

   Chivalry is dead. Nowadays if a girl accidentally drops her book, no man one comes to pick it up for her. They will wait around and watch her bend over and pick it for herself.

   If you get explanations when they weren't asked for, they're lying.

   and then satan said, 'let there be schools.'

   Apparently entertainment is more important than our safety.

   My son weed whacked the yard without being asked... Impressed yes!! He broke out in a sweat the last time it was his turn to change the toilet paper roll.

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   growing old is mandatory growing up is optional

   The opinion of strangers on the Internet is the most important thing in life.

   Does the fact that I supply my own chloroform make me look desperate?

   My daily pep talk pretty much consists of: It's ok, It's ok, it'll be funny in a few weeks...

   What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)