Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   .... Hmmmmm .... I wonder if you pressure your child into becoming a drug addicted, alcoholic gang banger, ...... if they will disappoint you and become a doctor?

   Google's Apple glass knockoff will attachea small screen on a frame above your eyes, they're gonna call it the iBrowse.

   .... Hmmmm .... I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."

   That moment when you watching Mimmi's video and you realized that shower pole is stronger than most relationship

   So Mimi is hanging from shower curtains trying to out do Kim Kardashian?

   This post is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.

   You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

   I guess God can only do bad things to the earth when the earth passes between the sun and the moon.

   I have a very clever way with words. You could say I'm a cunning linguist.

   If you take god out of religion, it's just a bunch of people hoping their favorite football team wins.

   "She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture." – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.

   People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.

   Some people would make horrible serial killers because they wouldn't be able to resist the urge to take pics of their victims and murder scenes and post them on their FB and tagging people in it.

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   When I was growing up we didn't have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear.

   Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

   Blues Clues taught me that getting mail was fun and exciting, they sit on a thinking chair of lies