Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   the man in the moon is so embarrassed....look how red he is

   a lot of single women claim they're looking for "Mr. Right" so maybe I should change my last name to "Right"......then all these women will be wanting me

   The moon is so red tonight......oh wait my eyes are just blood shot....

   it's not "stalking" .....it's "starting a secret fan club that only has 1 member"

   I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.