Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

   Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU

   Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff

   I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   Thought I wanted love. Turns out I just want a tattoo.

   The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.

   I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...