Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   2015 Come on everybody let's party like a Cleveland Browns back up quarterback!!!

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.

   How come the word Flatulance is not Fartulance?

   Dear Chocolate Covered Blueberries, Seriously where have you been all my life? I can see why your big sister Chocolate Covered Cherries has kept you secret all these years. Wow.

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   ⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   So blunt you could smoke me.

   It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   Facebook has been around 11 years. Which means there has never been a post about the Raiders making the playoffs.

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.