Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   "YOU ARE FIRED!" - Just me practicing for when Trump is impeached.

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   So, if you are crediting a woman for something, and treating them equally, you might be a idiot 1ibera1.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD…. Well, it's not actually a manual. It's only 3 sentences…. The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.