Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking for a vegan alternative to cauliflower.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.

   What do I call people who don't like Halloween? Boring. I call them boring.

   When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   I'll say one thing for the Trumps: the wooden pallet their housekeeper sleeps on isn't missing any slats.

   Wait, free healthcare premiums are going up again?? Don't worry Democrats, it'll be announced after your fools elect you...

   I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...

   Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.