Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To stay healthy this April, I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   Your candy bowl on your desk is the only reason why I come into work on Mondays.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   Thanksgiving is almost 8 months away. That'll give me some time to prepare for that dry azz turkey dinner.

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   Dear annoying stalker,. Thanks for the confidence boost. Sincerely, keep it up.

   Nobody ever got their balls stuck in a buttonhole......jus sayin

   North Korea is shaking some big balls at the United States, though they're most likely photoshopped !

   If the family dog could talk right now he would probably say,. Lets eat everything in the house.

   No one wished me a Happy Birthday today. But then, today isn't my birthday either.

   I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

   No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.

   My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks

   I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   snapchat is creating it's own brand of human beings separate from the rest of us, people who think dog filters and squished faces are cool

   If the right to vote was taken away from anyone convicted of a fenoly we would never have another democrat president again.

   After all the eating I have done this winter, I am happy to report my flip-flops still fit.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?