Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone planning on watching Lucifer tonight? Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the new TV show on Fox, I'm talking about Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Town Hall debate on CNN.

   Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

   Donald Trump said he could shoot someone and still win. Can someone tell me what is different between him and ISIS then?

   Bernie, Bernie, oh Bernie Sanders....he's such an angry old man who needs his medication.

   Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.

   So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.

   Melania, Millenium, Malva.....I bet no one knows the name of Donald Trump's latest wife either.

   If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   Thankfully, my Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty pay.

   My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...

   Hillary : I think it's time for a woman in the Oval Office. Bill: To late.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   Did Bernie Sanders wander off from the nursing home again?

   Bernie Sanders says feel the Bern but it's really Bengay

   Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....