Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone I don't like texts me, I send their text back. I don't want that sh*t.

   If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass

   When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.

   Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   "I feel terrible today. Let me go find a man to blame." - WOMEN

   Well about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie

   Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle

   Men look at b00bs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.

   I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.

   why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the 1st place?

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   'Saint West' sounds like the name of the Patron Saint of big butts & narcissistic rappers.

   Hip-hop sounds like my grandpa named it.

   My son just saw Willie Nelson on TV and called him Santa... Hmmm I guess we need to watch more Christmas movies.

   My day starts just like any normal guy. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice