Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"

   When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I'm afraid of the lights.

   Anti-psychotics, but for religious fanatics.

   In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.

   you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁

   welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.

   What valuable lesson did you learn from the chubby white B-list comedian on the stool?

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"

   The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.

   Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy.