Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about these damn religion wars

   Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer

   Every person on the bus thinks they have the coolest style for pulling the stop cord. Chill people, you are just pulling a frickin' cord. Plus, my way is way cooler.

   If someone tells you they don't like bacon, you should just stop talking to them. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

   I see that Charlie Sheen's planning a humanitarian trip to Syria. He says he wants to show them what a real disaster looks like.

   No matter your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religious belief, your origin, if I see you drowning in a lake I will do my best to rescue you at the risk of being hooked and dragged at the bottom in the process. That's what humans are for.

   No matter how long a 'civilization' has existed, there just is no way to bring class to the classless.

   Did the widows and Orphans get government funded sexchanges to look like 6 foot bodybuilders?

   The Definition Of Toilets: The one and only thing Obama is qualified to do, is clean toilets. . .

   After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.

   The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe

   I didn't realize the AIDS epidemic was so bad, they say one in every two and a half men have it

   The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.

   We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.

   Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

   The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.

   Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey

   Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.