Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"

   So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??

   You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.

   Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.

   If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it from a bar.

   For you to insult me, I first have to acknowledge your existence.

   Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.

   She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.

   Why doesn't money have braille on it?

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.

   So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!

   Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.

   If you friendzone me, help me bang your other friends then. Bestie