Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   You condemn me as the devil himself in an attempt to erase my spark But since the devil don't exist where I am, he could only be where you are

   I am so happy one of my favourite things is about to start, the ALC series. Another one of my favourite things begins with ALC, ALCOHOL!

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   Old world problems were to get crumbs from the computer keyboard... new world problems removing the crumbs that fall between the glass plate and smartphone case

   The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?

   She was full-figured, and I loved her in spite of the extra duct tape I had to buy.

   We had the kind of love that lasted till our phones died.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded.

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   I need to stop lying to myself !!! This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween !

   They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying

   Just overheard this damn near 65 year old lady say, "I'm still single cuz I ain't met the right man yet." Thought to myself, "Oh, you gonna meet him soon. His name is Jesus..."

   I am tired of living in the Divided States Of America

   My nakedness is irrelevant to you at this point

   I am tired of thinking for myself, bring on the socialism.

   whenever I see a can of Glen 20, I think to myself "do you reckon that's Ben 10's older brother?" Then I laugh. And wonder how other people put up with me.