Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

   Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.

   I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

   If you tell me you're going to bed and I see you sign into Facebook 10 minutes later... I totally understand.

   Intellegent people are often ostracized and shunned by most in society because everyone else is either stupid, uneducated or lacking basic critical thinking skills.

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   310 people were killed and hundreds wounded in a stampede at the annual hajj in Saudi Arabia. What a waste of potential suicide bombers.

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(