Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

   [WIFE] I'm going to fold your laundry so hard. [ME] You think you can handle one more load? - Laundry Sext

   A friend posted "If Donald Trumps Wins, America is Doomed." I posted "where have you been the past 6 1/2 years?"

   Never underestimate a man with a perm.

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.

   I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.

   In Hell, everybody you meet explains how they found Jesus.

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorced. He spend 27 years in south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday for 27 years straight. He got out of jail, was 6 months with wife, and said "i cant take this s#it"

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%

   If you need me, I'd be surprised.

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.