Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again