Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the world is not full of a$$holes but they are strategically placed so you come across several everyday

   “The man who fears losing has already lost.”

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   Maybe if Kim Davis wasn’t so patently awful to gay people she could find someone to help fix her hair.

   You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   still wondering how would you engineer an electrical?

   If you see me at a Baskin Robbins and I have 2 gallons of ice cream in front of me and only 1 spoon... Don't ask me how I'm doing !

   LOOK MA! NO CHASER!

   A lot of people say the bible is the greatest story ever told but I've always been partial to Back to the Future.

   Trying to eat a powdered donut without looking like I just came from Charlie Sheen's house.

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   fell in love on an elevator once and it ended in soul crushing heart break, so, no thanks Aerosmith. No frickin thanks.

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.