Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"

   Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I just deleted all the German contacts from my phone. It's now Hans free

   The saying goes, there's someone out there for everyone. Maybe your someone is way out there, on another planet. . .

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.

   What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.

   People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

   Happy National Dog Day to all da bitches.

   Its national dogs day, weird its also the day they were allowed to start voting

   With no power comes no responsibility... (During a power outage)

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for selfies?

   Can you imagine the media coverage had the Virginia shooting taken place with the races flipped? Sad to see how biased the media is. I guess #whitelivesdontmatter, right?

   Dear Bryce Williams, White Lives Matter.

   Race War Coming Soon to City near you.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!