Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   More coffee, less people please.

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   I'm not saying you should hire me to be the president of your marketing team, I'm just saying there should be a bar at Toys R Us..

   You don't come for me. I send for you.

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

   "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -

   Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"